I've been procrastinating since I was born (wasn't breathing when I first entered the world) so avoidance tends to be my middle name. I even procrastinated my birth and arrived 2 weeks late! Mind you I don't think I would have been a very good libra with this black and white attitude. So, when it comes to avoidance I've got it down.
I've avoided so much in my life that I'm surprised I've managed to get as far as i have today. And actually I wouldn't have gotten this far if it wasn't for my mom and dad. They were the only people that got me through my undergraduate degree. I got to the last sixth months before graduating and decided I just didn't want to continue.
It's weird. I wouldn't say I'm an underachiever and I normally always choose the most difficult route to get anywhere. I'm definitely up for the challenge, but I tend to get about three quarters of the way to the goal and then get kinda bored and want to move onto something else.
Well, I say it's boredom, but the longer I've lived the more I start to recognize that it's really fear. Fear of failure, fear of not looking good, fear of rejection, fear of reaching new heights, fear of winning, fear of achieving, fear of finally getting everything I've ever wanted and more.
Fear is a funny thing and the main emotion I seem to have been basing my life around. Unfortunately, it's taken me 30 years to figure that out. Fortunately, considering how long people live in my family that gives me at least another 30 to practice facing that fear and living with it!
This year I really should have focused on finishing a new feature I started writing. I also should have focused on meditating more. I've been practicing for a while, but feel that if I don't do it in the morning before work then there's no point. Strangely I can't get up early enough to achieve this goal. It feels like exhaustion most mornings, but I'm telling ya, it's fear. I should have been working out for longer and started earlier in the year, but it took me till after summer (and a new love interest) to finally get myself into gear and regularly exercise, and I still pretty much die if it's a workout longer than 30 minutes.
Other than these there are several things that I feel I should have done in 2010, but there were specific goals that I came to Oman with that make achieving all this difficult (and that's not the fear talking). Goals that I set for myself for the time that I'm living in the Middle East. Most of these are financial and if I don't achieve them I will be left with a pretty scary future ahead of me when I return to the States. Therefore, I'm limited to what I can realistically achieve while I'm out here saving up money.
For as fearful as I am, and for as much as I have avoided doing the things I love the most in the past, I think 2010 has finally been the year in which I have grabbed as many of my fears by the ears as I can hold, looked them straight in the eyes and told them that while they shake in their boots I'll be typing those 750 words, posing on that yoga mat, and loving a whole bunch of new people a whole lot more than I have before.
I believe that's what's important to remember. We all have fears, some greater than others. While those fears can be paralyzing, the key to taking the control back is to recognize that you are living in fear first. Then if you can recognize what you're afraid of then you become more aware. Once you're aware then you have the opportunity to say, "Yes, I'm afraid. I'm shaking in my boots. But I know I want this, I know I need this in my life and I'm willing to face those fears to find out what happens next." And the power is back on your side.
No matter what I've achieved or failed in 2010, tomorrow is another day in which to live and learn and keep showing those fears that I'm gonna show up at that page/ yoga mat, etc., even if I didn't yesterday, the day before or even the week before. Nothing can stop me, not even myself and those silly little fears.
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