Love. Yes, I said it. Love. And that's really not like me, but people change. Strangely enough! And I've changed. I've opened myself up to be vulnerable to love. To love others more fully and be loved in return.
It's not that I didn't love before this year. That's absolutely not the case. But I tend to be an all or nothing girl. In terms of being in love I rarely meet people I find attractive never-mind love. So, when I do meet someone I fall head over heels. And let's just say that's not been working for me in kind of a HUGE way that meant I got to the point of nearly getting a restraining order out on someone I had fallen so madly in love with that I'd forgotten to really look deep into their soul to see who they really were. I tend to fall in love with my idea of a person and then wonder why it doesn't work out?!
Luckily for me that was as bad as it got but I was left mentally and physically scared by the experience and it has taken me a long time to move on and believe that not only is it a loss to the world if I never love again, but that it's a loss to me if I don't allow others into my heart. That includes letting myself in to love me.
While I've been working on healing for a good, long five years now 2010 has really been the year that has made all the difference. It was like I was taking baby steps for those last four years and then for the whole of 2010 I was leaping around as if in a hurdles relay.
There were many things that helped me heal like yoga, Buddhism, my family, the birth of a little baby into our family, and meeting someone who was the last person in the world I thought I would ever fall in love with. Not that I didn't fancy them or anything, I just never had the audacity to believe that the feelings were reciprocal. There I go again!
I wouldn't say that I will have healed enough by the end of 2010 that everything will be rosy in 2011. There's still a lot of work to be done. Especially when it comes to loving myself. There are still the fears in the back of my mind that the person I love will turn out to be Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There are still the fears that if it doesn't work out I'll be back to square one emotionally from loving to a point where I don't know who I am if I'm not loving that person. But these are all just fears. These are the old mental patterns playing themselves out in my mind scared that I could have changed. Scared that if I actually took a deeper look at myself I'd see that what I believe to be true about myself - that I'm healed - will prove I'm the strong woman I always knew myself to be but somehow lost along the way.
It's funny how strong these old mental habits are. They love to mess with your mind and your emotions. They love to persuade you to keep the key to your heart-lock turned, rusted into place. Thankfully I can take a seat, sit back and observe. I can look at these patterns as they zoom into front, center position and hoist up their flag. I now know that all they have claim to is my old self. I'm no longer that person in the same way that tomorrow I won't be the same person I was yesterday. So, why worry about a past that's so long gone? Enjoy the present. Learn from the past. Open your heart in the knowledge that it will get broken and you will break other hearts in return. As long as you live honestly and truly it will have been worth it. For a life lived without love isn't a life worth living.
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