#reverb 10 - December 31st

Prompt: Core story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)


'Our differences may make us beautiful, but our connections are what keep beauty in our lives.'


I wrote this for a previous #reverb10 prompt.  It's something I have been using a lot in my writing since then and I believe it's my core story.


Growing up as a TCK (Third Culture Kid) there's not a day that goes by when I'm not reminded of all the things that make me different from the people around me.  It would be really unusual, in fact, for me to meet someone who culturally came even close to being similar to me (apart from my brother and even we differ in many ways).


This theme of difference is something I explore a lot in my writing, but ultimately my goal is not to prove how different we all are from each other.  What's the point in doing that?  How would it enrich our lives to prove how different we are from each other?  Wouldn't it only pushes us further apart?


Therefore I think that while my stories try to explore the multitude of ways in which this life makes us all different individuals, I'm also searching for the ways in which those differences can serve to bring us closer together.


I'm sure my interest in Buddhism and practice of it has enabled me to see how for as many differences I have from others, I am just another person searching for love and to end my suffering.  I hope my writing can prove this in return.  That's what I'm striving for anyway.  It may take  me a while, but as I grow and discover things hopefully my writing will in turn and I can continue to help bring people together rather than add to that dissonant media voice that's consistently trying to pull us all apart.


BONUS - The theme running through most of my posts seems mostly to be hope - hope for all that is to be and all that I allow to be!  Bring on 2011! :D


And there ends #reverb10 for December 2010.  It's been fun!  Thanks to all the prompt writers and this amazing community that enabled me to see all the greatness that has been this last year and keeps me believing in a better future full of love and less suffering in the years to come.

#reverb 10 - December 30th

Last 48 hrs of Reverb10! :(

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?


The biggest gift I received this year was from myself.  I finally allowed and enabled myself to live more in the moment, which in turn meant I enjoyed life more on a moment to moment basis.  It's not that the circumstances of my life got better or that nothing bad happened this year, but more than I shifted my perspective and chose to stay present.  I was happier, didn't hate my job as much, and actually became a much nicer person.  
It's nice to finally give myself a break and appreciate that each moment is what I make it.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.
I recieved a few other gifts this year that are very memorable, but fortunately for me, those aren't for sharing ;)

#reverb 10 - December 24th

Prompt: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?


Every moment that I can stop, take a breath and become aware of all that is around me proves that everything is okay.  Everything in this moment is perfect.  Nothing in this moment is something that I can't handle, as long as I continue to stop, take a deep breath and focus on the moment.
I will incorporate this discovery by continuing to practice and by making sure I start meditating everyday, even if only for a few minutes before sleeping.

#reverb 10 - December 28th

Prompt: Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.


2011 - I most want to achieve the writing of the first draft of my first novel.  
The idea for it came to me all of a sudden in October of this year.  I had no real intention of writing a novel personally, but it just seems to be the right format for this story that's bursting to get out of me.  It was all inspired by Zencast podcasts that I've been listening to for the last couple of years.  It will be the story of a young woman's discovery of the Buddhist path and will be a young adult novel.  We'll see how it goes!  
I also want to complete the new feature film I started at the beginning of this year and get a first draft finished.  On top of that I want to get working on the revision of the first feature I ever wrote called 'Esperanza'.  The story is very fitting in terms of what is making the headlines at the moment, so I believe the timing is perfect.  
Of course none of these pieces of writing are going to be worth much sitting on my shelf, so I'll definitely be looking towards publishing/ festivals for the work, but I think 2011 will predominantly be about getting the words out of my head and onto the page.  Not a bad goal for the new year!!!
When I achieve these goals in 2011 I believe I'll feel a huge sense of accomplishment now that I'm finally taking my writing seriously, but I will also feel apprehension for the next steps.  Especially now that my writing is no longer for school assignments and I've decided to make a go of sharing my work.  Gotta get it out there!
Accomplishment - 10 things I can do/ thoughts I can think today to experience this feeling today:
1.  complete my 750 words for the day - DONE!
2.  finish as many past #reverb10 prompts as possible today (time is running out for December!) - DONE!
3.  write #reverb10 prompt for today to visualize my goals for next year - DONE!
4.  visualize myself writing the last sentence of my novel/features
5.  tell myself not to give up - every day is another chance to start again
6.  think of all I have achieved in 2010 that I didn't believe I would be able to achieve last year
7.  remember it's not about what you accomplish, but how fully you live each moment
8.  take a moment to sit and breath and enjoy the moment
9.  remember the small accomplishments we achieve everyday and don't stop to appreciate
10.  remember that I haven't given up until now, so there's no stopping me!

#reverb 10 - December 29th

Prompt: Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.



Savannah, GA.  I went to Savannah for the first time in 2003 to study an MFA in Film and Television at SCAD.  I lived there until 2006 when I moved to NYC and shot my thesis film to graduate.  At the time I was so glad to leave Savannah as it seemed too small and sedate for me.  Since then Savannah has changed and grown, and I almost don't recognize the place.
I've also grown and changed.  I've come to realize that I don't mix well with big cities.  I love NYC but found it tough going and would only go back if I had a better paying job.  I needed to go there and challenge myself however, and I'm proud to say that I shot a film there too!
After leaving NYC I had no idea where to go next and didn't even consider going back to Savannah, but rather moved to the Middle East to figure out my next steps.
Last summer I got the opportunity to travel back to Savannah and visit my brother and his family.  Fortunately, friends of mine were also shooting a feature film there during the summer.  I was lucky enough to be in Savannah at the right time and was able to be a Production Assistant on The Space Jockey Pursuit - a great film by very talents filmmakers.
My entire time in Savannah this summer was the defining moment of 2010.  It helped me to realize that I actually really enjoy living in a smaller city, as long as I have friends and family that live close by.  In Savannah I have both of these.  There is a consistent and dominant film industry in Georgia that could give me the opportunity to do more film work if I so wished.  There is also the opportunity to apply for jobs at my old college, SCAD, if I so wish.  
Savannah has so many great memories for me, as long as I choose to remember the positive rather than focus on the negative.  There are so many more opportunities and things to do there that did not exist when I first arrived there in 2003.  It's also a great place to get started in the work that I really want to do - writing.
I had no idea where I would go next, but it's funny how life pushes you in all the right directions if you just know how to listen and recognize those chances.
No matter what I'll be in Savannah in 2011, where the great new adventure will begin!

#reverb10 - December 20th

Prompt: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)


I've been procrastinating since I was born (wasn't breathing when I first entered the world) so avoidance tends to be my middle name.  I even procrastinated my birth and arrived 2 weeks late!  Mind you I don't think I would have been a very good libra with this black and white attitude.  So, when it comes to avoidance I've got it down.


I've avoided so much in my life that I'm surprised I've managed to get as far as i have today.  And actually I wouldn't have gotten this far if it wasn't for my mom and dad. They were the only people that got me through my undergraduate degree.  I got to the last sixth months before graduating and decided I just didn't want to continue.  


It's weird.  I wouldn't say I'm an underachiever and I normally always choose the most difficult route to get anywhere. I'm definitely up for the challenge, but I tend to get about three quarters of the way to the goal and then get kinda bored and want to move onto something else.


Well, I say it's boredom, but the longer I've lived the more I start to recognize that it's really fear.  Fear of failure, fear of not looking good, fear of rejection, fear of reaching new heights, fear of winning, fear of achieving, fear of finally getting everything I've ever wanted and more.


Fear is a funny thing and the main emotion I seem to have been basing my life around. Unfortunately, it's taken me 30 years to figure that out.  Fortunately, considering how long people live in my family that gives me at least another 30 to practice facing that fear and living with it!


This year I really should have focused on finishing a new feature I started writing.  I also should have focused on meditating more.  I've been practicing for a while, but feel that if I don't do it in the morning before work then there's no point.  Strangely I can't get up early enough to achieve this goal.  It feels like exhaustion most mornings, but I'm telling ya, it's fear.  I should have been working out for longer and started earlier in the year, but it took me till after summer (and a new love interest) to finally get myself into gear and regularly exercise, and I still pretty much die if it's a workout longer than 30 minutes.  


Other than these there are several things that I feel I should have done in 2010, but there were specific goals that I came to Oman with that make achieving all this difficult (and that's not the fear talking).  Goals that I set for myself for the time that I'm living in the Middle East.  Most of these are financial and if I don't achieve them I will be left with a pretty scary future ahead of me when I return to the States. Therefore, I'm limited to what I can realistically achieve while I'm out here saving up money.


For as fearful as I am, and for as much as I have avoided doing the things I love the most in the past, I think 2010 has finally been the year in which I have grabbed as many of my fears by the ears as I can hold, looked them straight in the eyes and told them that while they shake in their boots I'll be typing those 750 words, posing on that yoga mat, and loving a whole bunch of new people a whole lot more than I have before.


I believe that's what's important to remember.  We all have fears, some greater than others.  While those fears can be paralyzing, the key to taking the control back is to recognize that you are living in fear first.  Then if you can recognize what you're afraid of then you become more aware.  Once you're aware then you have the opportunity to say, "Yes, I'm afraid.  I'm shaking in my boots.  But I know I want this, I know I need this in my life and I'm willing to face those fears to find out what happens next." And the power is back on your side.


No matter what I've achieved or failed in 2010, tomorrow is another day in which to live and learn and keep showing those fears that I'm gonna show up at that page/ yoga mat, etc., even if I didn't yesterday, the day before or even the week before.  Nothing can stop me, not even myself and those silly little fears.

#reverb10 - December 18th

Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

This one's had me stumped for a while now.  Mostly because 2010 was a great year for me trying new things:

- working out regularly

- being more aware of the things I put in my mouth and the words that come out of it

- meditation (can't say I succeeded with this one)

- thinking more positively and in the present moment

- making writing a focus and necessity in my life even if it's only 750 words a day

Starting all these things has made my life so much more fulfilling and made me a much happier person.  It's amazing that we spend so much time avoiding doing the things we love and hating ourselves and our lives because of it!  Crazy!

There are a lot of things that I wanted to try in 2010 but due to present circumstances can't, such as:

- joining a local Buddhist sangha

- joining a yoga studio and practicing there a few times a week

- writing for online newspapers

- eating more vegetarian and organic food

- saying 'yes' to more social activities

- starting dance and voice classes

- continuing my studies of the Spanish language

Although I've done a lot this year, I wouldn't say I've reached my goals.  Therefore, 2011 is going to be about fulfilling these hopes and from the looks of it, it's going to be a great, balancing and exciting year full of more of the things that bring passion into my life than I've ever allowed myself to experience at before!

The Roots of Japanese Cinema and Anime Preserving Katsuben : Unique Performance Art by Larry Greenberg

I am in total shock at the current availability of film and media now available in the Sultanate of Oman. We were truely treated a few weeks ago when the Japanese Embassy organized for Mr Larry Greenberg founder of Urban Connections and Digital Meme to come and give a lecture on the roots of Japanese cinema and anime with a focus on the unique performance art of Katsuben.

The event was held at the Culture Club in the Qurum area of Muscat, a very suitable location for such an event. There were three screens presenting the work making it very easy for all members of the audience to view the films easily. Unfortunately for the event holders the audience was minimal, mostly consisting of students who are studying Japanese at Sultan Qaboos University. However, with these events only beginning to get a foothold in the Muscat social calendar I am sure they will not be abandoned so soon.

The history of Katsuben and how it affected Japanese cinema and consequently anime was fascinating and it was obvious that Mr Greenberg is not only fluent in Japanese, but also Japanese film culture.

All of the films we watched have been digitally restored by Mr Greenberg's companies and are now being marketed as boxsets of anime's. While I am not a hugs fan of anime's Mr Greenberg did a great job of picking selections that would appeal to all sorts. My favorite being an anime about a baseball game between rabbits and beavers. Truely beautiful animation and amazing understanding of human body language and how that can be reflected in the animal kingdom.

Thankfully, this event has not and I"m sure will not be the only of it's kind in the coming year. This will be the second day of the Korean film festival here in Muscat and tomorrow starts a Documentary Film festival at The French-Omani Center here in the capital, both of which run for three days showing one film a night. Shame I'm cooped up at home with the flu. However, I may try and pop out to catch the last Korean film tomorrow night. It's so true that if people don't show up for these events, then often they never happen again. Let's hope this is not the case cause right now I"m loving all the media exposure here. It's way more than I was getting in New York and much more affordable!

Next - Bring on the Muscat Film Festival! :D

#reverb10 - December 23rd

Prompt: New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?


I've been pondering this prompt for a while and the easiest and only answer I can come up with is that I really don't have an answer to this one.  While in the past I've often wanted to be called by a different name I have to admit that now I feel that my name totally suits me.  I've spent so long in the past wishing and wanting to be someone else, but now I'm happy to be me.  I couldn't be someone else if I tried.  

#reverb10 - December 27th

Prompt: Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I'm lucky to be able to say that I've had many joyful ordinary moments this year simply because I've been able to live more in the moment than I have been in the recent past. Most of these moments have been used watching birds in our garden, sitting back and enjoying the fun my students are having in class this term, listening to the sound of a clock ticking in our house, to name but a few.

The moments that are most joyful for me and stick with me the longest are those I spent this summer reading with my niece.  She has a ravenous appetite for books.  Mostly we flicked through the pages pointing out pictures and asking each other what the pictures were.  But watching her soak in the information on those pages and reproduce the sounds and words she was learning was a daily miracle.  

There's absolutely no reason for her not to learn all these new words and sounds, and to watch the growth of another human being, especially a child, is truly magical.  I'm so thankful that I got the chance to spend that time with her.  I'm also thankful that I understand the blessings of those moments and that I took the time to sit with her and read.  It would have been so easy to turn on the TV or use the computer while we sat together.  I can do that any day.  And even though I think I said 'owl' and 'twit twoo' about five hundred times this summer, it's not everyday I get the chance to teach this to a three-year-old.

Jordi and I read Blueberry Girl by Neil Gaiman this summer.  It's a gorgeous book for kids who like animals and a great story for all children.

#reverb10 - December 21st

Prompt: Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

26.12.2015

Ange,

It's been quite a journey over the last five years.  And I know that you had no idea you'd end up here five years ago today.  But, that just goes to prove that sometimes our vision is too limited when it comes to all the possibilities of what's out there.

You helped keep yourself on track with your vision boards, hope and a good dose of reality.  Keep it up!  It really helps!

Some changes have been easy, some have been difficult.  But the greatest thing of all is that by opening up yourself to change you have accomplished so many of the hopes and dreams that you had held onto for so long without getting anywhere.

Life now may not be exactly as you'd hoped, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.  For all the baby steps you've taken, can you believe that they have gotten you this far? Think of where they could take you in the next year and also in another five years!

Don't give up.  Keep living in the moment.  Keep taking care of yourself and keep loving your family and friends who stand by you no matter what.

There will be more challenges and triumphs along the way, but with all you've survived and accomplished thus far, you know that you will continue to do the same in the year to come and others after that.

Don't stop believing and don't forget to kiss your children and husband everyday, like there won't be a tomorrow, even if they're not in your life just yet.

And most of all remember - you are loved...

BONUS

26.12.2000

Ange,

Don't give up.  I know things are difficult personally now.  You have such a small amount of time left until you finish Uni.  But you have no idea where that degree where take you.  All the things you hoped to do and learn right now are actually yet to come. And they happen at exactly the right time!

Right now you're not ready.  You can't see all the things you need to learn about life and yourself before you can fully receive all the things that are to come.

One thing I do wish you would do is love and accept yourself more.  You can't see it just now, but these unhealthy friendships are simply due to the lack of boundaries you give others because you don't respect yourself enough.  And unfortunately for you, you haven't learned that lesson yet, so the worst is yet to come.  It's a life lesson that you're not willing to look at on a personal level and to understand your fault in the process.

You can't spend your life blaming others, or yourself for that matter.  Don't take life so seriously.  Tomorrow does come, but won't forever.  Live, laugh and be more willing to give to those who are worthy of your gifts.  Right now your social circles are limited because of the limits you place on your life and therefore yourself.  There are many people taking, most of whom don't deserve.  But this is life as a young person just newly living independently.  It's nothing that you can't handle, although it may not feel like it at the moment.

Remember you are only beginning to tap into what you are capable of.  If you don't achieve what you hoped for it's because you haven't recognized all you are capable of yet, but you will.  Don't forget to believe in yourself, and no matter how long it takes don't give up on your dreams.  They are in you and they are alive, you are just reading them incorrectly and will for a while.  But they will appear at the right time and show you the way.  I know when the time comes you'll be ready to listen!

Be thankful for the fact that you have been so loved, and don't forget the fact that you have loved as well as you could in return...

#reverb10 - December 22nd

Prompt: Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?


I've mostly been driving this year.  I did fly a heck of a distance from the Middle East to Scotland and then to the USA this summer, but mostly I've been traveling back and forth to work by car. 
I've enjoyed having my own car again this year.  It's so easy to get from place to place.  I do not miss the New York subway system, which got worse every day I lived there.  I'm not against public transportation by any means, but when the public transportation system makes your life more of a nightmare than it could otherwise be, I can fully understand why people prefer their cars.
Not that driving this year has been easy.  There have been worsening traffic jams throughout the months since summer, but with the opening up of a southern expressway here in Muscat, driving in the capital is back to being acceptable.
I still road-rage too much.  Mostly it's because getting in a car here really is risking your life.  People here drive with death wishes and the traffic accident statistics prove it.  I doubt that will change anytime soon, however.  So, it's up to me to choose to lower my blood pressure or risk it deteriorating further!
This year one trip I know I'm making for sure is my return flight to the States.  I wish I could go visit my family in Scotland, but with a new baby on the way for my brother, the US calls.  
Other than that nowhere else is calling me.  Once I get established back at home I'm sure other places will pop up that I'm desperate to visit, but until then I'm quite happy to keep driving back and forth to work to earn the money that will allow me to get back home to where I belong.

#reverb10 - December 25th

Prompt: Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

This photo was shot by my sister-in-law in the US this summer, when I was visiting my brother, his wife and their daughter.

I love to be a kid and have passion to just show up in the moment and be silly and have fun.  Unfortunately, my nature is to worry constantly about the rules and whether or not I'm following them.  This tends to mean that a part of me is always worrying about being 'sensible' (i.e. boring and reserved) and not getting too crazy.  What I love about hanging out with my niece is that I can just act how my inner child wants to act and have fun doing the things I loved to do when I was young.  The only deterrent to this is when an adult shows up.

Although I was having fun reading my niece her story (with all the different voices I could create), as soon as my sister-in-law came along to take the photo of us, I hid behind my niece for fear of not 'acting' right.  I became completely self-conscious.  Being self-conscious is something I've known about myself for a long time, and I now realize that for a long while it has prevented me from enjoying life to the fullest.  I hold back way to often when I should step forward and live carefree, no matter that someone could judge me for it.

Now I understand myself better I'm going to strive not to worry so much how others see me next year.  However, in order to do that I have to accept myself - perfections and imperfections - or others won't accept me either.  This will be no easy task, I'm sure. But I'm willing to try.  

In 2011 I'm going to be striving to have more fun and enjoy life in a more child-like way.  I hope this will enable me to enjoy life more and also find more passion in my life.  I no longer want to 'untag' myself from life for fear of what others may think (I find it interesting how many people untag themselves from pictures online because they don't think they look 'good' enough).  It's not that I want to look bad to others (or think others should accept horrible pictures of themselves that their friends have posted online), but simply that at some point we have to stop worrying about looking 'good', or before we know it all the time we had left that we used to try and look 'better' will be over and what will we really have achieved?

And on that note - I'm off to play the Super Hoola-Hoop challenge on Wii :D

A snapshot of life to come in 2011 - letting go and living at an Amusement park!

#reverb 10 - December 26th

Prompt: Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?


Any meal that was made with love and served with kindness this year touched my soul.  Of which, there were many dishes.  I won't name them all in case it causes my blog to crash :D


I'm very lucky to have a family that cares about good food and nutrition and takes the time to make delicious and healthy meals.  There have been some disasters over the months, but mostly it's the effort put in that makes the food taste great.  


I'm also extremely fortunate to have a family that sits down together at a dining room table to eat and talk.  The topics aren't always comfortable, but there's always proof in the pudding that a family that eats together grows stronger and healthier.  I'm constantly made aware of how rare this is and for me this is the greatest gift I could receive all year.  

#reverb10 - December 19th

Prompt: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?


Love.  Yes, I said it.  Love.  And that's really not like me, but people change.  Strangely enough!  And I've changed.  I've opened myself up to be vulnerable to love.  To love others more fully and be loved in return.


It's not that I didn't love before this year.  That's absolutely not the case.  But I tend to be an all or nothing girl. In terms of being in love I rarely meet people I find attractive never-mind love.  So, when I do meet someone I fall head over heels.  And let's just say that's not been working for me in kind of a HUGE way that meant I got to the point of nearly getting a restraining order out on someone I had fallen so madly in love with that I'd forgotten to really look deep into their soul to see who they really were.  I tend to fall in love with my idea of a person and then wonder why it doesn't work out?!   


Luckily for me that was as bad as it got but I was left mentally and physically scared by the experience and it has taken me a long time to move on and believe that not only is it a loss to the world if I never love again, but that it's a loss to me if I don't allow others into my heart.  That includes letting myself in to love me.  


While I've been working on healing for a good, long five years now 2010 has really been the year that has made all the difference.  It was like I was taking baby steps for those last four years and then for the whole of 2010 I was leaping around as if in a hurdles relay.  


There were many things that helped me heal like yoga, Buddhism, my family, the birth of a little baby into our family, and meeting someone who was the last person in the world I thought I would ever fall in love with.  Not that I didn't fancy them or anything, I just never had the audacity to believe that the feelings were reciprocal.  There I go again!


I wouldn't say that I will have healed enough by the end of 2010 that everything will be rosy in 2011.  There's still a lot of work to be done.  Especially when it comes to loving myself.  There are still the fears in the back of my mind that the person I love will turn out to be Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  There are still the fears that if it doesn't work out I'll be back to square one emotionally from loving to a point where I don't know who I am if I'm not loving that person.  But these are all just fears.  These are the old mental patterns playing themselves out in my mind scared that I could have changed.  Scared that if I actually took a deeper look at myself I'd see that what I believe to be true about myself - that I'm healed - will prove I'm the strong woman I always knew myself to be but somehow lost along the way.


It's funny how strong these old mental habits are.  They love to mess with your mind and your emotions. They love to persuade you to keep the key to your heart-lock turned, rusted into place.  Thankfully I can take a seat, sit back and observe.  I can look at these patterns as they zoom into front, center position and hoist up their flag.  I now know that all they have claim to is my old self.  I'm no longer that person in the same way that tomorrow I won't be the same person I was yesterday.  So, why worry about a past that's so long gone?  Enjoy the present.  Learn from the past.  Open your heart in the knowledge that it will get broken and you will break other hearts in return.  As long as you live honestly and truly it will have been worth it.  For a life lived without love isn't a life worth living.

#reverb10 - December 17th

Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?


I learned that there is a part of me that does not want me to change under any circumstances.  But this is not me.  My real eternal self wants to change.  And it can change.  And it has to change.  Change is inevitable.  All the things I hope and wish for are possible because change is possible.
I'm applying this lesson by going after the things I want (a healthy mind and body, a writing career, spiritual growth and a happy life) everyday.
There are often days when the part of me that doesn't want me to change is at the steering wheel.  That's been happening a lot this weekend.  It's threatening to continue into next week.  But, I know that change is inevitable and that deep down I'm not that person.  Therefore I know that one thing I can rely on is the fact that next week I won't feel this way (or next month) and that I'll be back to pursuing my dreams.  So the cycle will continue.
I just know that this year and in the years that follow I won't give up on the real me who really wants to change, for I've learned my lesson from the past that giving up doesn't mean things don't change, but can mean things change for the worse if you're not careful.  Even if things change for the worse I'd rather they changed for the worse knowing I did everything I could to make them change for the better.

#reverb10 - December 16th

Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?


Many things have happened in the last year and a half that have prompted me to further consider how much I hold onto the past for happiness.  The past is past, however, so I should really only be expecting it to bring me wisdom (I would hope!).
This point was brought even further into perspective when my 'best friend ever' told me that she was going on a holiday that we had planned to do together, with her sisters and a friend of hers from back home.  I was devastated.  Truly devastated, especially because she told me only after I found out from reading her sisters' Facebook status.  
Being the friend that I knew her to be she asked me, well intentioned, if she should go.  Great!  I got to be the bad guy or the bad guy.  I was the bad guy for telling her I was upset that she was going on our holiday without me, or the bad guy for telling her she couldn't go.  I guess I could have lied, but we know each other so well that she would never have believed it!
I listened to hours upon hours of podcasts from Gil Frondstal to figure out how to be with what had happened. It helped of course, but I still had to decide how I was going to react.  In no way am I the perfect Buddhist practitioner!
My friend requested that I come on the holiday several times, out of guilt I'm sure, cause it's well know that I'm a teacher and I don't know any teachers who can simply jet off in the middle of a term for a spur of the moment vacation (that was the other thing that bugged me out...we were supposed to plan it together, but our vacation was hijacked and I knew that even if I went it wouldn't be the vacation we would have planned together anyway).
So, I wrote my friend an email (we live half way across the world from each other) telling her how upset I was about the fact that our vacation was not going to include me, but that I wasn't going to tell her she couldn't go. If she wanted to go without me then that was her choice.  I, of course, couldn't resist telling her that if she did go, I would never go on that vacation with her in the future.  It was mean-spirited of me and I'm sure she believes she will convince me to go with her in the future, but I'm a stubborn lady and my mind's made up.
It's not like this was any old vacation - it was a return to the 'homeland' of Malawi after leaving 15 years ago.  A return to a place that lives perfectly in our memories.  A return to the place that changed and bonded us forever in ways that other people we meet will never be able to understand us.  A return to the place that made us into Third Culture Kids.  We were to visit our old houses and travel around for a month visiting all the places we remembered, for we grew up there together - like sisters.
I can't say that my friend is no longer my friend.  That would be ridiculous.  But things have changed for me.  I still love her to death, but I realize that I have to start living my life more for me now than I ever have.  She's enjoying herself doing the things she wants to do, while I've been sitting at home hoping to plan vacations with 'the one person who gets me'.  Yet, this situation has proven to me that I think we've moved on from that.  She no longer gets me the way she used to.  I no longer get her.  If this was the case, she wouldn't have gone on vacation without me and I never would have had to give her my ultimatum.
It's sad, but true.  And it's also a relief in a way.  We have held on to so much responsibility for our friendship for so long now that when we have met up for a vacation together I haven't fully enjoyed it.  We're different people now.  We don't enjoy the same things that we used to.  
I wouldn't say we've grown apart, but friendships change.  It's just hard for us to accept that after not seeing each other for so long and wanting so much for everything to stay the same.
It reminds me of the film 'Beaches', one of my favorite girlie films.  I'm Bette Midler and my friend is Barbara Hershey (actually probably vice versa as well knowing those two in the film).  We just need to continue loving each other, but also allow each other to follow our own souls in the different directions they take us.  I've been holding on to expectations for too long and it has soured me.
I need to open up to new people and experiences.  My old friendship(s) should provide me with the wisdom that helps me to create solid and respectful friendships now and into the future, rather than cause me to close off from possibilities.
I've got to start seeing more in shades of gray rather than my normal black and white.  This doesn't mean I no longer have a best friend.  It just means that what 'best friend' means has changed for me, and it's possible that i will meet someone new (I have already) who becomes what 'best friend' used to mean to me.  It's a little like a death.  But hopefully that death will lead to re-growth and allow for new, more interesting experiences to grow again.  And hopefully it means I can like myself more than I have in the past because of the restrictions I'd placed on myself in order to be the 'best friend' I could be to my friend.  Doing that is not fair to me or my friend.
Hopefully, what I'll take from this situation is a way to be happy now, rather than waiting for circumstances or people to make happiness with later.  Hopefully it means we can be okay with the change in our relationship and take a breather from the pressure it is to stay the same person to somebody for your whole life, even though the only thing that stays the same in this life is the fact that everything changes.
Knowing my friend, she will understand and be thankful that I'm happy now, even if what's making me happy doesn't include her for a while.

#reverb10 - December 15th

Only 10 more days till Xmas!  Hope you've all sent your letters out to Santa :D

Prompt: 5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

• The time I spent with my niece, who's just turned two, and reading non-stop to her this summer. She just loves books so much and is so gorgeous and inquisitive.  Also practicing my limited Spanish on her!  
• The very special person I had known for a long time, but finally opened myself up to right at the time when I'd resigned myself to the fact that I would never meet anyone I could be in love with again.  
• The realization that while I'm telling myself that i've given up hope - my soul never has.
• The understanding that serendipity and fate really exist in my life if I'm willing to go with the flow and believe.
• The realization that I absolutely need to taking a step back from my mental patterns and have way more compassion for myself than I've ever given myself in the past.
• The important step of taking my health,  and mental and spiritual growth seriously.
• The admission that I need writing in my life to stay a healthy person.  I need an outlet for the stories that have planted their seeds in my soul.  It's simply a matter of me taking them seriously, and watering and feeding them everyday so they can grow into the work that I know others will enjoy and I will benefit from.
• That I absolutely need to stop being scared of opening up to people and give them a chance to enter my life.  
• The realization that if I'm happy I will attract happiness into my life.  I've not had that for so long because I have refused to believe that I am deserving of happiness and that happiness is possible no matter what is happening in my life.  Happiness is a choice in the moment, not a destination to be sought after.
• My willingness to question how much stuff I really need, and the understand that more things do not bring more happiness.
• The development of my Buddhist practice and all I can benefit from and learn from very wise teachers if I simply seek the wisdom.

LOVED this prompt! <3

#reverb10 - December 14th

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

The present moment is the one thing I've come to appreciate most this year.  It's inexplicable how much happiness you receive from simply accepting the present moment into your life.


I express gratitude for the present moment by taking each present moment I have the insight to notice and bask in it.  I also stay as present as possible for others whenever I am aware in the hopes that they will, in turn, live more fully in the present moment.


It's not an easy task, but not impossible either.  If you accept that it may take some time and plenty of practice, it's amazing how suddenly more and more present moments pop into your life that you can take full advantage of.  


The present moment is the only real moment we have in life, so use each moment wisely and with care to yourself and others.


If you haven't already - check out Eckhart Tolle's book 'The Power of Now' and start living in the moment right now! (this is what got me started and moving in the right direction)


Namaste

#reverb10 - December 13th

Prompt: Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

      In terms of making ideas happen I feel that 2010 has been the year of new happenings for me.  I've already taken several steps that enable more of my aspirations to come true.  It has taken me a good 15 years to finally understand what my aspirations are (although I guess speaking truthfully my aspirations have morphed over the years) and I now understand that the reason many of my aspirations of the past didn't happen for me was because they weren't true aspirations that my soul believed in, which is why I didn't end up doing much to make them become reality.
      This year I've been entering more competitions with my writing (and winning a fair amount of awards, which is great for a first timer) and starting new projects.  My mind feels like it's literally brimming with potential scripts, which is never a bad thing for a writer!  I've also taken to getting my flow on - writing 750 words everyday.  I had been doing this previously in the form of Julia Cameron's 'morning pages' but I'm terrible at getting up in the morning so all my best intentions often got pushed to the way-side after a couple of weeks.  750 words on the other hand is something I crave to do everyday and allow myself to do it whenever I get the chance.
      Really I've just found new focus personally and professionally that I haven't had for a very long time.  And I must say that it does feel wonderful.
      As for next steps - my heart is telling me to move towards a career that allows me to follow my passion (maybe not fully, but more closely than my current profession) so I'm going to take a new course starting January.  On top of that in January I'm taking part in The Fiction Project by ArtHouse Co-op, which I'm just itching to get started on.  I've also pledged the month of January to 750 words as a means of continuing on my flow well into 2011.  So I'm definitely taking steps in the right direction.
      Sometimes it's difficult to know what next steps to take, but if you listen to your heart and soul, their light will shine the way, even if they're taking you well off the beaten track.