Many things have happened in the last year and a half that have prompted me to further consider how much I hold onto the past for happiness. The past is past, however, so I should really only be expecting it to bring me wisdom (I would hope!).
This point was brought even further into perspective when my 'best friend ever' told me that she was going on a holiday that we had planned to do together, with her sisters and a friend of hers from back home. I was devastated. Truly devastated, especially because she told me only after I found out from reading her sisters' Facebook status.
Being the friend that I knew her to be she asked me, well intentioned, if she should go. Great! I got to be the bad guy or the bad guy. I was the bad guy for telling her I was upset that she was going on our holiday without me, or the bad guy for telling her she couldn't go. I guess I could have lied, but we know each other so well that she would never have believed it!
I listened to hours upon hours of podcasts from Gil Frondstal to figure out how to be with what had happened. It helped of course, but I still had to decide how I was going to react. In no way am I the perfect Buddhist practitioner!
My friend requested that I come on the holiday several times, out of guilt I'm sure, cause it's well know that I'm a teacher and I don't know any teachers who can simply jet off in the middle of a term for a spur of the moment vacation (that was the other thing that bugged me out...we were supposed to plan it together, but our vacation was hijacked and I knew that even if I went it wouldn't be the vacation we would have planned together anyway).
So, I wrote my friend an email (we live half way across the world from each other) telling her how upset I was about the fact that our vacation was not going to include me, but that I wasn't going to tell her she couldn't go. If she wanted to go without me then that was her choice. I, of course, couldn't resist telling her that if she did go, I would never go on that vacation with her in the future. It was mean-spirited of me and I'm sure she believes she will convince me to go with her in the future, but I'm a stubborn lady and my mind's made up.
It's not like this was any old vacation - it was a return to the 'homeland' of Malawi after leaving 15 years ago. A return to a place that lives perfectly in our memories. A return to the place that changed and bonded us forever in ways that other people we meet will never be able to understand us. A return to the place that made us into Third Culture Kids. We were to visit our old houses and travel around for a month visiting all the places we remembered, for we grew up there together - like sisters.
I can't say that my friend is no longer my friend. That would be ridiculous. But things have changed for me. I still love her to death, but I realize that I have to start living my life more for me now than I ever have. She's enjoying herself doing the things she wants to do, while I've been sitting at home hoping to plan vacations with 'the one person who gets me'. Yet, this situation has proven to me that I think we've moved on from that. She no longer gets me the way she used to. I no longer get her. If this was the case, she wouldn't have gone on vacation without me and I never would have had to give her my ultimatum.
It's sad, but true. And it's also a relief in a way. We have held on to so much responsibility for our friendship for so long now that when we have met up for a vacation together I haven't fully enjoyed it. We're different people now. We don't enjoy the same things that we used to.
I wouldn't say we've grown apart, but friendships change. It's just hard for us to accept that after not seeing each other for so long and wanting so much for everything to stay the same.
It reminds me of the film 'Beaches', one of my favorite girlie films. I'm Bette Midler and my friend is Barbara Hershey (actually probably vice versa as well knowing those two in the film). We just need to continue loving each other, but also allow each other to follow our own souls in the different directions they take us. I've been holding on to expectations for too long and it has soured me.
I need to open up to new people and experiences. My old friendship(s) should provide me with the wisdom that helps me to create solid and respectful friendships now and into the future, rather than cause me to close off from possibilities.
I've got to start seeing more in shades of gray rather than my normal black and white. This doesn't mean I no longer have a best friend. It just means that what 'best friend' means has changed for me, and it's possible that i will meet someone new (I have already) who becomes what 'best friend' used to mean to me. It's a little like a death. But hopefully that death will lead to re-growth and allow for new, more interesting experiences to grow again. And hopefully it means I can like myself more than I have in the past because of the restrictions I'd placed on myself in order to be the 'best friend' I could be to my friend. Doing that is not fair to me or my friend.
Hopefully, what I'll take from this situation is a way to be happy now, rather than waiting for circumstances or people to make happiness with later. Hopefully it means we can be okay with the change in our relationship and take a breather from the pressure it is to stay the same person to somebody for your whole life, even though the only thing that stays the same in this life is the fact that everything changes.
Knowing my friend, she will understand and be thankful that I'm happy now, even if what's making me happy doesn't include her for a while.
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