One month into 2011, what question(s) are you living? Are there any prompts/questions that arose during #reverb10 that are still resonating in your life? Are you living new questions?
One thing I know for sure is that every #reverb10 prompt got me thinking and it appears that it also got me sending out vibes into the universe that have culminated all the change that has taken place in my life so far in 2011.
I won't say I'm succeeding in everything that I wanted to achieve this year but I'm also still not in a position to do many of those things (and it is only the beginning of February!). Out of the things I can accomplish here in Muscat these are the things that are proving to stick:
Writing - I'm on my 66th day of 750words, which is unbelievable (I can't believe how motivated I am to keep racking up those badges! Although my attachment to my badges and word count definitely isn't healthy or mindful of me). I'm sure that the day I can't write and start back at the beginning again as an egg will really be the challenge. However, right now I don't know how that will happen as I'm obsessed! 750words keeps me functioning!
I haven't started my first novel yet, or worked any further on my feature scripts, but I'm working on writing my blog everyday and have started a few articles for Tiny Buddha which I hope to submit. Right now my work schedule isn't allowing for much more writing and also the fact I've been sick. Being sick gives me time to sit and think, but I have no energy or passion to write my thoughts down.
I have been much better at letting go of my old self - by proving that when I love something I won't give up on it even if I doubt myself
I have also been better at planning less, living slower and going with the flow by not beating myself up over the things I don't achieve, but also not giving up on achieving those goals when the timing is finally right.
I'm still enjoying listening to Zencast and participating in Drop a Love Bomb, but my meditation practice has ground to a halt. It's the one thing I'm having trouble sticking to. I think that once I join a sangha in Savannah it will help. I need the inspiration of those who practice and experience the benefits around me to give me that boost I can't seem to find in myself.
I'm still teaching ESL and I didn't get a job out of all the ones I applied for, but this experience has been freeing and has taught me I don't have to plan everything out to a t. Life is giving me a chance to finally do what I love - freelance writing and film work - and I've got to grasp that offer while I can. It may never happen again.
I know that with no secure job on the horizon in July my chance to live with less stuff is now, in order to maintain a life that doesn't require a constant and steady flow of income. I am practicing presently although I wouldn't say I'm completely minimalist. That's not really my goal. My goal is to be mindful about my spending and why I need 'stuff' in my life.
I'm less prone to contact Facebook and email checking as I was last year but this is mainly due to the wisdom of @gwenbell and @evbogue whose current technological explorations have really made me think more mindfully about what I'm involved with online.
I'm still as judgmental if not worse than I was, but this is because I've been taking less time to sit back, breath and live in the moment. Not meditating is a reason for this I'm sure, and once I have sorted that out I'm hoping this part of my personality will fall into line (a girl can dream!).
I'm so busy writing that I'm watching WAY less TV. This is also cause there's less on, but it's good for me and my life - so please OSN don't put any good shows on and my TV sabbatical will continue!
Unfortunately I'm still road raging, but I'm getting better at being mindful about the possibility of road raging before I get in the car. Gradually I'm becoming less concerned about what others think anymore, which is also why I'm willing to admit I'm a chronic road rager (I don't get out of my car or anything, but a few fists have been raised!). I'm still buying shoes (but it's under control because I'm succeeding in my financial goals) and I'm definitely dreaming less and doing more.
I'm so hopeful for the future, which my yoga practice helps with although due to being sick I haven't been able to practice as much as I've wanted to.
All in all I can't complain. If this is what the start of 2011 holds, just think what the end of 2011 will have brought! Can't wait!
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Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Expressing creativity
Tell us about three ways you express your creativity.
Through writing
When I'm singing
Through the colors I choose to brighten my day in whatever form and shape they take
Through writing
When I'm singing
Through the colors I choose to brighten my day in whatever form and shape they take
Friday, February 4, 2011
Procrastination x 7
Tell us seven things you do when you procrastinate.
If it's a good day:
I get a snack, then I add a drink to my order. Then I'll turn on the TV just to see if Kendra is on, then I'll search the channels realizing there's nothing on and praying for a great On Demand movie, which there won't be. Following that I'll open every tab possible on Safari and Firefox just to see if anything interesting happened in the five minutes I was gone. Then I'll notice a dust bunny hopping quietly along the edge of the room and decide that the house really needs to be cleaned, like right NOW. Failing at all that as a means to procrastinate I'll wander the house sighing a lot in the hopes someone will engaged me in conversation as to why I'm sighing, at which point I can steer the conversation towards long, debatable topics.
If it's a bad day:
I'll stop, sit, breathe, watch my thoughts rising and then open up 750words and just let it all out. Before I know it I'll have written that 750, my procrastination will be squirming underneath me and I'll be well on my way to writing 8 more pages of my script or scribbling the beginnings of my novel.
I'd hate to think what I'd do if it was a terrible day! Bring them on!
If it's a good day:
I get a snack, then I add a drink to my order. Then I'll turn on the TV just to see if Kendra is on, then I'll search the channels realizing there's nothing on and praying for a great On Demand movie, which there won't be. Following that I'll open every tab possible on Safari and Firefox just to see if anything interesting happened in the five minutes I was gone. Then I'll notice a dust bunny hopping quietly along the edge of the room and decide that the house really needs to be cleaned, like right NOW. Failing at all that as a means to procrastinate I'll wander the house sighing a lot in the hopes someone will engaged me in conversation as to why I'm sighing, at which point I can steer the conversation towards long, debatable topics.
If it's a bad day:
I'll stop, sit, breathe, watch my thoughts rising and then open up 750words and just let it all out. Before I know it I'll have written that 750, my procrastination will be squirming underneath me and I'll be well on my way to writing 8 more pages of my script or scribbling the beginnings of my novel.
I'd hate to think what I'd do if it was a terrible day! Bring them on!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
My second 'cyber' self
I haven't written for several days now for the same reason I've been putting of my practice and my time on the mat. I don't know why exactly because getting back on the mat today got me wanting to write again, although I'm still on sabbatical from meditation.
I guess it's a combination of things - wondering what I really want to write on this here blog/ wondering what my focus should be when I'm writing/ wondering how to complete my job responsibilities, study my online course, write my 750 words a day and still have time to write on here or simply just write the many projects I have going on right now.
My horoscope at the beginning of 2011 spoke about having too many plates to juggle, not that I see that as a negative, but simply allowing me to explore and hone in on what I'm really trying to achieve with my writing.
Through all this pondering @evbogue and @gwenbell have been keeping me moving forward and questioning what I'm really seeking online. Recently, I've been overwhelmed with information from all sources and have been plugged in far too often and far too aimlessly.
In terms of what I'm trying to achieve here I think my problem is that the blog I'm seeking to create doesn't really exist yet. @gwenbell summed it up perfectly in her interview here that I took the time to really listen to today. I don't want to have to button hole or cover up an aspect of myself that just doesn't 'fit' with what my second self is trying to achieve here. I want to be open and vulnerable and be able to share all and everything that comes up, but the problem is figuring out how to achieve that on a scrolling page with a back dated archive. Showing up at the first page doesn't necessarily portray what I'm all about, but then neither does a single one of my posts.
I guess what I'm searching for is a 'free spirit' of a blog that morphs and changes as I morph and change without back dating these events as if I'm a history book to be learned and memorized.
Ultimately it doesn't really matter, it's more about exploring what I wish to put out into the world and I guess that right now the way the internet works we're still exploring how to do this more effectively and more efficiently.
Whatever happens my last idea of having 3 different blogs that showcase all the things I wish to write about truly proves how far down in the exploration trail I currently am. But with the help of these revolutionary mindfully thinking folks I'm excited to see what starts to come up!
If you're interested in the dialogue going on right now concerning mindful folks who're exploring how best to create and use their second self check out the dialogue going on on twitter by following all the people @evbogue and @gwenbell follow and subscribe to their blogs. What they're exploring is truly fascinating.
Oh and I've got to start being a single spacer. It's a learning curve!
I guess it's a combination of things - wondering what I really want to write on this here blog/ wondering what my focus should be when I'm writing/ wondering how to complete my job responsibilities, study my online course, write my 750 words a day and still have time to write on here or simply just write the many projects I have going on right now.
My horoscope at the beginning of 2011 spoke about having too many plates to juggle, not that I see that as a negative, but simply allowing me to explore and hone in on what I'm really trying to achieve with my writing.
Through all this pondering @evbogue and @gwenbell have been keeping me moving forward and questioning what I'm really seeking online. Recently, I've been overwhelmed with information from all sources and have been plugged in far too often and far too aimlessly.
In terms of what I'm trying to achieve here I think my problem is that the blog I'm seeking to create doesn't really exist yet. @gwenbell summed it up perfectly in her interview here that I took the time to really listen to today. I don't want to have to button hole or cover up an aspect of myself that just doesn't 'fit' with what my second self is trying to achieve here. I want to be open and vulnerable and be able to share all and everything that comes up, but the problem is figuring out how to achieve that on a scrolling page with a back dated archive. Showing up at the first page doesn't necessarily portray what I'm all about, but then neither does a single one of my posts.
I guess what I'm searching for is a 'free spirit' of a blog that morphs and changes as I morph and change without back dating these events as if I'm a history book to be learned and memorized.
Ultimately it doesn't really matter, it's more about exploring what I wish to put out into the world and I guess that right now the way the internet works we're still exploring how to do this more effectively and more efficiently.
Whatever happens my last idea of having 3 different blogs that showcase all the things I wish to write about truly proves how far down in the exploration trail I currently am. But with the help of these revolutionary mindfully thinking folks I'm excited to see what starts to come up!
If you're interested in the dialogue going on right now concerning mindful folks who're exploring how best to create and use their second self check out the dialogue going on on twitter by following all the people @evbogue and @gwenbell follow and subscribe to their blogs. What they're exploring is truly fascinating.
Oh and I've got to start being a single spacer. It's a learning curve!
Friday, January 21, 2011
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
The wind gently floats in through the open window grazing MELINDA's arm and causing the hairs to stand on end. She sighs, places her pen on the desk as the papers ruffle around her, and looks out the window.
Birds soar in the sky above as others tweet from their nests in trees within the courtyard. KIDS can be heard laughing and shouting from a short distance away.
Melinda looks down at the paper she has been writing on and reads her words once more. Finally she picks up her pen once more and places a full stop at the end of the very last sentence.
Melinda stands up from the table and moves to stand in front of the open window. She rests her elbows on the window frame and her chin in her hands.
From the window she can see the kids, all aged around 7 years old, beyond the courtyard gate running around telling each other stories as they do so. Melinda watches them intensely before taking a deep breath of fresh air.
She stands up straight again and moves back to her desk only to find that many of her papers are lying strewn across the bedroom floor. She stops and stares at the papers, then kicks a few of them softly with her bare foot. Again she hears the kids laughing and speaking.
Birds soar in the sky above as others tweet from their nests in trees within the courtyard. KIDS can be heard laughing and shouting from a short distance away.
Melinda looks down at the paper she has been writing on and reads her words once more. Finally she picks up her pen once more and places a full stop at the end of the very last sentence.
Melinda stands up from the table and moves to stand in front of the open window. She rests her elbows on the window frame and her chin in her hands.
From the window she can see the kids, all aged around 7 years old, beyond the courtyard gate running around telling each other stories as they do so. Melinda watches them intensely before taking a deep breath of fresh air.
She stands up straight again and moves back to her desk only to find that many of her papers are lying strewn across the bedroom floor. She stops and stares at the papers, then kicks a few of them softly with her bare foot. Again she hears the kids laughing and speaking.
MELINDA
What imagination.
Melinda reaches out, grabs the rest of the papers from her desk, throws them into the air and then walks out of the room shutting the door behind her, leaving the papers to settle randomly around the otherwise untouched bedroom.
(written to the sound of the birds and kids playing in my neighborhood)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Don't only read about it. DO IT!
I love websites such as thescriptlab.com where you can find almost anything you may have questions about regarding screenwriting and sometimes even get a bit of inspiration for your work.
I tend to find, however, that the more I look at these kinds of websites the less writing I actually do. I get so caught up in 'learning about my craft' that I forget to actually practice it. It's also a great way to procrastinate when you are trying to avoid the actual work involved in 'writing'.
It's not the websites' fault, of course! It's definitely mine. I especially love it when I collect website upon website in my favorites folder that I believe will help me write better, when in actual fact they end up piled up in the 'go back to it later' folder. I admit it - I rarely go back...
While I really do intend to read and learn more about my craft and use these websites as tools for improving on the skills I have already acquired, I can't stress enough to new screenwriters that the best way to learn about screenwriting is to write and to let others (who naturally have a respect for the craft) read your work. Find someone you trust and allow them to comment on your script. It's amazing what you can learn! Even if it is just to correct your grammar and spelling mistakes!
Just because you're facing a blank screen alone, doesn't mean you should think of screenwriting as a solo-mission in which you have to reach the award level having done everything all by yourself. Just as filmmaking is a collaborative medium, so is screenwriting. Without others to point out when you are telling instead of showing, or writing dialogue that only robots would say (great if you're writing the next big robot blockbuster) how will you ever improve? Sure you can visit a screenwriting blog or website that gives you tit-bits on how to improve the dialogue or write correct format, but you still need that human being who is willing and interested and believes in you enough to sit down and keep turning the 90-120 pages of your script.
While reading about screenwriting may get the juices flowing or allow you to discover things you never knew about the screenwriting process, you do need to find yourself a writing/ reading buddy - someone who is kind, but honest and who can really help you take your script to the next level. Otherwise you may spend a lot of time and money writing what you think is the 'next big thing', but which ultimately becomes the 'next big rejection'.
One warning about those writing/ reading buddies to end - if your writing/ reading buddy tells you that your writing sucks, find another writing/ reading buddy. Ultimately that kind of reaction tells you that they suck! Everything has potential!
And don't give up. Keep Writing! :D
I tend to find, however, that the more I look at these kinds of websites the less writing I actually do. I get so caught up in 'learning about my craft' that I forget to actually practice it. It's also a great way to procrastinate when you are trying to avoid the actual work involved in 'writing'.
It's not the websites' fault, of course! It's definitely mine. I especially love it when I collect website upon website in my favorites folder that I believe will help me write better, when in actual fact they end up piled up in the 'go back to it later' folder. I admit it - I rarely go back...
While I really do intend to read and learn more about my craft and use these websites as tools for improving on the skills I have already acquired, I can't stress enough to new screenwriters that the best way to learn about screenwriting is to write and to let others (who naturally have a respect for the craft) read your work. Find someone you trust and allow them to comment on your script. It's amazing what you can learn! Even if it is just to correct your grammar and spelling mistakes!
Just because you're facing a blank screen alone, doesn't mean you should think of screenwriting as a solo-mission in which you have to reach the award level having done everything all by yourself. Just as filmmaking is a collaborative medium, so is screenwriting. Without others to point out when you are telling instead of showing, or writing dialogue that only robots would say (great if you're writing the next big robot blockbuster) how will you ever improve? Sure you can visit a screenwriting blog or website that gives you tit-bits on how to improve the dialogue or write correct format, but you still need that human being who is willing and interested and believes in you enough to sit down and keep turning the 90-120 pages of your script.
While reading about screenwriting may get the juices flowing or allow you to discover things you never knew about the screenwriting process, you do need to find yourself a writing/ reading buddy - someone who is kind, but honest and who can really help you take your script to the next level. Otherwise you may spend a lot of time and money writing what you think is the 'next big thing', but which ultimately becomes the 'next big rejection'.
One warning about those writing/ reading buddies to end - if your writing/ reading buddy tells you that your writing sucks, find another writing/ reading buddy. Ultimately that kind of reaction tells you that they suck! Everything has potential!
And don't give up. Keep Writing! :D
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Fiction Project!
I received my moleskin today! I'm so excited! Can't wait to get started on The Fiction Project. I've never participated in anything like this before, but I think it's just what I was needing at this stage in my writing life. My topic is 'If you lived here' and I'm going to explore the issues being a young woman of marrying age here in Oman.
Only got till May 3rd to get it done so I better get started!
Only got till May 3rd to get it done so I better get started!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
#reverb 10 - December 28th
2011 - I most want to achieve the writing of the first draft of my first novel.
The idea for it came to me all of a sudden in October of this year. I had no real intention of writing a novel personally, but it just seems to be the right format for this story that's bursting to get out of me. It was all inspired by Zencast podcasts that I've been listening to for the last couple of years. It will be the story of a young woman's discovery of the Buddhist path and will be a young adult novel. We'll see how it goes!
I also want to complete the new feature film I started at the beginning of this year and get a first draft finished. On top of that I want to get working on the revision of the first feature I ever wrote called 'Esperanza'. The story is very fitting in terms of what is making the headlines at the moment, so I believe the timing is perfect.
Of course none of these pieces of writing are going to be worth much sitting on my shelf, so I'll definitely be looking towards publishing/ festivals for the work, but I think 2011 will predominantly be about getting the words out of my head and onto the page. Not a bad goal for the new year!!!
When I achieve these goals in 2011 I believe I'll feel a huge sense of accomplishment now that I'm finally taking my writing seriously, but I will also feel apprehension for the next steps. Especially now that my writing is no longer for school assignments and I've decided to make a go of sharing my work. Gotta get it out there!
Accomplishment - 10 things I can do/ thoughts I can think today to experience this feeling today:
1. complete my 750 words for the day - DONE!
2. finish as many past #reverb10 prompts as possible today (time is running out for December!) - DONE!
3. write #reverb10 prompt for today to visualize my goals for next year - DONE!
4. visualize myself writing the last sentence of my novel/features
5. tell myself not to give up - every day is another chance to start again
6. think of all I have achieved in 2010 that I didn't believe I would be able to achieve last year
7. remember it's not about what you accomplish, but how fully you live each moment
8. take a moment to sit and breath and enjoy the moment
9. remember the small accomplishments we achieve everyday and don't stop to appreciate
10. remember that I haven't given up until now, so there's no stopping me!
#reverb10 - December 18th
Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?
This one's had me stumped for a while now. Mostly because 2010 was a great year for me trying new things:
- working out regularly
- being more aware of the things I put in my mouth and the words that come out of it
- meditation (can't say I succeeded with this one)
- thinking more positively and in the present moment
- making writing a focus and necessity in my life even if it's only 750 words a day
Starting all these things has made my life so much more fulfilling and made me a much happier person. It's amazing that we spend so much time avoiding doing the things we love and hating ourselves and our lives because of it! Crazy!
There are a lot of things that I wanted to try in 2010 but due to present circumstances can't, such as:
- joining a local Buddhist sangha
- joining a yoga studio and practicing there a few times a week
- writing for online newspapers
- eating more vegetarian and organic food
- saying 'yes' to more social activities
- starting dance and voice classes
- continuing my studies of the Spanish language
Although I've done a lot this year, I wouldn't say I've reached my goals. Therefore, 2011 is going to be about fulfilling these hopes and from the looks of it, it's going to be a great, balancing and exciting year full of more of the things that bring passion into my life than I've ever allowed myself to experience at before!
Monday, December 13, 2010
#reverb10 - December 13th
Prompt: Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?
This year I've been entering more competitions with my writing (and winning a fair amount of awards, which is great for a first timer) and starting new projects. My mind feels like it's literally brimming with potential scripts, which is never a bad thing for a writer! I've also taken to getting my flow on - writing 750 words everyday. I had been doing this previously in the form of Julia Cameron's 'morning pages' but I'm terrible at getting up in the morning so all my best intentions often got pushed to the way-side after a couple of weeks. 750 words on the other hand is something I crave to do everyday and allow myself to do it whenever I get the chance.
Really I've just found new focus personally and professionally that I haven't had for a very long time. And I must say that it does feel wonderful.
As for next steps - my heart is telling me to move towards a career that allows me to follow my passion (maybe not fully, but more closely than my current profession) so I'm going to take a new course starting January. On top of that in January I'm taking part in The Fiction Project by ArtHouse Co-op, which I'm just itching to get started on. I've also pledged the month of January to 750 words as a means of continuing on my flow well into 2011. So I'm definitely taking steps in the right direction.
Sometimes it's difficult to know what next steps to take, but if you listen to your heart and soul, their light will shine the way, even if they're taking you well off the beaten track.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A Practicing Buddhist and Filmmaker?
I believe there is a real dichotomy for filmmakers who are practicing Buddhism. How can we be in the moment, stay present and not get caught up in ‘where I want to be in 5 years’ or ‘they’re winning all those festival awards while my film sits on a shelf gathering dust’? How can we combine and marry the ability to be okay with wherever we are at the present moment and also simultaneously achieve success the way a filmmaker needs to, by creating and making and submitting and selling?
The answer is that right now I don’t know. Maybe some people out there have all the answers, but at this stage in my Buddhist practice it is important for me to be honest and tell you that I have no clue.
I struggle with this crisis everyday, especially when following my friends, colleagues and complete filmmaking strangers on social networking sites. While these online communicative tools allow me the chance to learn and explore more of the film world than I ever realized was out there, there is always that nagging voice at the back of my mind comparing me to those out there doing as I sit here being.
Fair enough, sometimes my being is an excuse for not doing due to fear of success or fear of failure. Never quite doing what it takes to achieve my goals and dreams does make it easier to justify any mental suffering I bring upon myself.
However, there is always that one day when I do decide to mail in my film to a festival, or open up Final Cut Express to finish a music performance I’ve been trying to edit for weeks, and that is what will separate me from the people who never realize their dreams. The key is to get back on the horse when you fall off. So much of filmmaking relies on tenacity. The successful people are successful because they never give up.
Our contemporary culture also doesn’t allow much room for failure. It’s the ultimate f-word in the filmmaking world. No one wants to know you unless you’re succeeding. However, to achieve great success there must also be an equal if not greater amount of failure in some part of life. That is the balance of the universe. It may not be apparent that the successful people in the film world have failed at some point (unless you can find comprehensive box office revenues online for prolific directors), but then who in our contemporary culture reveals their failures over celebrating their successes? Only the most humble of people, and that is rare to find.
I believe one answer to it all is to be joyful for the successes of those around you, because those successes prove that one day they could be your successes. Also, if you can celebrate others successes, hopefully it will leave less energy for comparison and self-flagellation!
Another way I look at it is that I see my insecurity about my level of success in the film-world as simply the universe’s way of reminding me not to give up. It’s that little voice inside of me that reminds me about the feature script I started but haven’t taken off the boil yet. It’s not that I haven’t succeeded, but that I haven’t given myself the opportunity to succeed because I haven’t given myself the opportunity to fail either.
I also haven’t always been willing to admit what my strengths are, and that as much as I’d like to ace every position in the credits of my film, I understand that I probably wouldn’t succeed doing that anyway. Collaboration is what keeps me alive and present and makes a success out of me.
One thing that also matters is that you do what you can. If that means you won’t be successful till you’re 65, then that’s what it means. Besides, it could be possible that we need to re-invent our idea of success. Does it mean that you win an Oscar? Or make millions selling your film? Or does it simply mean that you had a wonderful experience working with talented individuals who taught you more than all the money in the world could?
I know I have been successful with the films that I’ve made so far because I’ve learned. I’ve learned when I’ve been right and I’ve learned when I’ve been wrong. I’ve learned that what I really want to do is write. I’ve learned that I love working with amazingly talented openhearted actors who long to collaborate with a director.
Is this collaboration happening on every film set in the world? It’s doubtful. Does that mean that it will be easier for me to get a job directing because actors are dying to work with a collaborative director? It’s doubtful. I’m not necessarily meant to be part of the system that generates millions and wins Oscars right now. I’m still in the process of creating my art and fundamentally filmmaking is a business. Therefore, now might not be my time to have success in the industry. Is this the time for me to create and foster my art? Is this the time to explore and learn more about myself, and the human condition, playing by my own rules? Is this the time to share my writing with those who understand where I am at this point in my ‘career’? I would say yes. Yes, to them all.
Therefore again, we need to re-evaluate our understanding of success. Because right now, unless I never pick up a pen or my iBook again, I’m as successful as can be.
Thanks to a friend of mine for the inspiration for this blog post after a long time of having nothing to say. Your suffering helped in my process of creating and I hope I can return the favor! And of course also to the podcasts from Zencast.com who continue to help me deal with suffering on a daily basis. Namaste.
The answer is that right now I don’t know. Maybe some people out there have all the answers, but at this stage in my Buddhist practice it is important for me to be honest and tell you that I have no clue.
I struggle with this crisis everyday, especially when following my friends, colleagues and complete filmmaking strangers on social networking sites. While these online communicative tools allow me the chance to learn and explore more of the film world than I ever realized was out there, there is always that nagging voice at the back of my mind comparing me to those out there doing as I sit here being.
Fair enough, sometimes my being is an excuse for not doing due to fear of success or fear of failure. Never quite doing what it takes to achieve my goals and dreams does make it easier to justify any mental suffering I bring upon myself.
However, there is always that one day when I do decide to mail in my film to a festival, or open up Final Cut Express to finish a music performance I’ve been trying to edit for weeks, and that is what will separate me from the people who never realize their dreams. The key is to get back on the horse when you fall off. So much of filmmaking relies on tenacity. The successful people are successful because they never give up.
Our contemporary culture also doesn’t allow much room for failure. It’s the ultimate f-word in the filmmaking world. No one wants to know you unless you’re succeeding. However, to achieve great success there must also be an equal if not greater amount of failure in some part of life. That is the balance of the universe. It may not be apparent that the successful people in the film world have failed at some point (unless you can find comprehensive box office revenues online for prolific directors), but then who in our contemporary culture reveals their failures over celebrating their successes? Only the most humble of people, and that is rare to find.
I believe one answer to it all is to be joyful for the successes of those around you, because those successes prove that one day they could be your successes. Also, if you can celebrate others successes, hopefully it will leave less energy for comparison and self-flagellation!
Another way I look at it is that I see my insecurity about my level of success in the film-world as simply the universe’s way of reminding me not to give up. It’s that little voice inside of me that reminds me about the feature script I started but haven’t taken off the boil yet. It’s not that I haven’t succeeded, but that I haven’t given myself the opportunity to succeed because I haven’t given myself the opportunity to fail either.
I also haven’t always been willing to admit what my strengths are, and that as much as I’d like to ace every position in the credits of my film, I understand that I probably wouldn’t succeed doing that anyway. Collaboration is what keeps me alive and present and makes a success out of me.
One thing that also matters is that you do what you can. If that means you won’t be successful till you’re 65, then that’s what it means. Besides, it could be possible that we need to re-invent our idea of success. Does it mean that you win an Oscar? Or make millions selling your film? Or does it simply mean that you had a wonderful experience working with talented individuals who taught you more than all the money in the world could?
I know I have been successful with the films that I’ve made so far because I’ve learned. I’ve learned when I’ve been right and I’ve learned when I’ve been wrong. I’ve learned that what I really want to do is write. I’ve learned that I love working with amazingly talented openhearted actors who long to collaborate with a director.
Is this collaboration happening on every film set in the world? It’s doubtful. Does that mean that it will be easier for me to get a job directing because actors are dying to work with a collaborative director? It’s doubtful. I’m not necessarily meant to be part of the system that generates millions and wins Oscars right now. I’m still in the process of creating my art and fundamentally filmmaking is a business. Therefore, now might not be my time to have success in the industry. Is this the time for me to create and foster my art? Is this the time to explore and learn more about myself, and the human condition, playing by my own rules? Is this the time to share my writing with those who understand where I am at this point in my ‘career’? I would say yes. Yes, to them all.
Therefore again, we need to re-evaluate our understanding of success. Because right now, unless I never pick up a pen or my iBook again, I’m as successful as can be.
Thanks to a friend of mine for the inspiration for this blog post after a long time of having nothing to say. Your suffering helped in my process of creating and I hope I can return the favor! And of course also to the podcasts from Zencast.com who continue to help me deal with suffering on a daily basis. Namaste.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Take the action
Some days it seems as much as I might try and as much as I may want to I just can't write for the writing of it. I know I should sit and do my 15 min free write to get the juices flowing, but can't seem to find the right pen. Ideas come to mind of the various scripts sitting waiting for me to start marking the page, but the time just doesn't seem 'write'.
At these times there's nothing much that seems possible to do. I wonder if I should give up this writing mularkey for good. In what way am I a writer anyway when I can't even sit down and write? It's not that I don't want to write, but just simply that if I write I don't know what could possibly happen next, to my writing and then also to my life. Could I actually make a go of this career? What would that mean? Hours of solitude with the voices in my head pouring out onto the screen of my MacBook (which coincidentally has no free gigs of space left! Lucky that, huh?!) don't seem to be the way I wish to spend the majority of my time. Yet, I love it. I love more sharing those ideas with others and coming up with ways to make them better, but that can only be achieved when you've written the darned thing.
What if I never put pen to paper again? What would I do with all those scenes playing out in my head? Sit back and dream of what could have been? That doesn't seem like much of a prospect either.
So, instead I sit here and I write all this mindless babble into a compose box. Thankfully, while I'm moaning and groaning about the act of writing that in itself has allowed me to achieve the one thing that will keep me writing, keep the ideas flowing - I've written it all down. Fair enough it might not be the most interesting thing to read, but the act of writing is one that many a writer has struggled with and just goes to show that even writing your shopping list down can be enough to keep the ink flowing for another day. Check out Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott if you don't believe me.
As my weekly compulsive blog read from OmFreely.com said today 'Take the action' even if it is just to write down the alphabet. Once you start those ABCs there nothing stopping you from getting to z.
Check out Omfreely.com for it's weekly insights.
At these times there's nothing much that seems possible to do. I wonder if I should give up this writing mularkey for good. In what way am I a writer anyway when I can't even sit down and write? It's not that I don't want to write, but just simply that if I write I don't know what could possibly happen next, to my writing and then also to my life. Could I actually make a go of this career? What would that mean? Hours of solitude with the voices in my head pouring out onto the screen of my MacBook (which coincidentally has no free gigs of space left! Lucky that, huh?!) don't seem to be the way I wish to spend the majority of my time. Yet, I love it. I love more sharing those ideas with others and coming up with ways to make them better, but that can only be achieved when you've written the darned thing.
What if I never put pen to paper again? What would I do with all those scenes playing out in my head? Sit back and dream of what could have been? That doesn't seem like much of a prospect either.
So, instead I sit here and I write all this mindless babble into a compose box. Thankfully, while I'm moaning and groaning about the act of writing that in itself has allowed me to achieve the one thing that will keep me writing, keep the ideas flowing - I've written it all down. Fair enough it might not be the most interesting thing to read, but the act of writing is one that many a writer has struggled with and just goes to show that even writing your shopping list down can be enough to keep the ink flowing for another day. Check out Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott if you don't believe me.
As my weekly compulsive blog read from OmFreely.com said today 'Take the action' even if it is just to write down the alphabet. Once you start those ABCs there nothing stopping you from getting to z.
Check out Omfreely.com for it's weekly insights.
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