It's wonderful when something negative happens that allows you to take stock of how far you've come in changing mental patterns.
After three long months of waiting to hear back about a job I knew I wouldn't enjoy but applied for anyway, I wrote an email to the company to ask if there was an update on my candidacy. The next day I got a reply back saying that while my experience and qualifications were great, I was not chosen for the position, yadda, yadda, yadda. You know how it goes.
In the past I would have probably slammed the laptop lid shut (I'm a Mac owner now so thankful those days are over!), stormed out the room and spent the rest of the night sulking around the house telling myself how unfair life was and if they didn't want me it was their loss not mine.
While I am still telling myself that it is their loss knowing my qualifications and experience and what a great darned worker I am, I'm really taking this rejection as possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
My thoughts remind me of a blog post I recently read through Tiny Buddha by Jen 'Smiling Heart', whose recent job firing actually ended up being the making of a new and wonderful career writing for her blog and doing her wonderful art.
I got an email recently advertising a course in copywriting, and while I wouldn't say I'd love to get into technical writing, at the same time my interest was piqued and I had a gut instinct that while I had an extra bit of cash this course could be just the direction I need to go in to start doing more of what I love - writing.
I've spent so long hiding from writing and day dreaming about it, but now I've finally come to realize that it's really what I love to do and I need it in my life. It's not the easiest profession in the world, and actually teaching ESL to students out here in the Middle East in many ways is much easier, but it doesn't make me happy.
This job rejection has finally given me the chance I need to go out there and do what I love. I've spent a long time running from full-time job to full-time job for fear of an unsteady income while I watched friends struggle, but do what they love, even if at an unsteady pace. This position I've ended up in finally gives me the push I've needed to head back 'home' to the States and get more involved with filmmaking and writing while also being able to help out my family in ways that a full-time job would never allow.
It's not going to be easy. It's definitely going to be scary, but scary can be exhilarating and at this age I believe I need a bit of exhilarating to move me into the next stage of my life, full of stories and the excitement that being rejected brings.
Wish me luck!!!
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Showing posts with label Filmmaking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Filmmaking. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A Practicing Buddhist and Filmmaker?
I believe there is a real dichotomy for filmmakers who are practicing Buddhism. How can we be in the moment, stay present and not get caught up in ‘where I want to be in 5 years’ or ‘they’re winning all those festival awards while my film sits on a shelf gathering dust’? How can we combine and marry the ability to be okay with wherever we are at the present moment and also simultaneously achieve success the way a filmmaker needs to, by creating and making and submitting and selling?
The answer is that right now I don’t know. Maybe some people out there have all the answers, but at this stage in my Buddhist practice it is important for me to be honest and tell you that I have no clue.
I struggle with this crisis everyday, especially when following my friends, colleagues and complete filmmaking strangers on social networking sites. While these online communicative tools allow me the chance to learn and explore more of the film world than I ever realized was out there, there is always that nagging voice at the back of my mind comparing me to those out there doing as I sit here being.
Fair enough, sometimes my being is an excuse for not doing due to fear of success or fear of failure. Never quite doing what it takes to achieve my goals and dreams does make it easier to justify any mental suffering I bring upon myself.
However, there is always that one day when I do decide to mail in my film to a festival, or open up Final Cut Express to finish a music performance I’ve been trying to edit for weeks, and that is what will separate me from the people who never realize their dreams. The key is to get back on the horse when you fall off. So much of filmmaking relies on tenacity. The successful people are successful because they never give up.
Our contemporary culture also doesn’t allow much room for failure. It’s the ultimate f-word in the filmmaking world. No one wants to know you unless you’re succeeding. However, to achieve great success there must also be an equal if not greater amount of failure in some part of life. That is the balance of the universe. It may not be apparent that the successful people in the film world have failed at some point (unless you can find comprehensive box office revenues online for prolific directors), but then who in our contemporary culture reveals their failures over celebrating their successes? Only the most humble of people, and that is rare to find.
I believe one answer to it all is to be joyful for the successes of those around you, because those successes prove that one day they could be your successes. Also, if you can celebrate others successes, hopefully it will leave less energy for comparison and self-flagellation!
Another way I look at it is that I see my insecurity about my level of success in the film-world as simply the universe’s way of reminding me not to give up. It’s that little voice inside of me that reminds me about the feature script I started but haven’t taken off the boil yet. It’s not that I haven’t succeeded, but that I haven’t given myself the opportunity to succeed because I haven’t given myself the opportunity to fail either.
I also haven’t always been willing to admit what my strengths are, and that as much as I’d like to ace every position in the credits of my film, I understand that I probably wouldn’t succeed doing that anyway. Collaboration is what keeps me alive and present and makes a success out of me.
One thing that also matters is that you do what you can. If that means you won’t be successful till you’re 65, then that’s what it means. Besides, it could be possible that we need to re-invent our idea of success. Does it mean that you win an Oscar? Or make millions selling your film? Or does it simply mean that you had a wonderful experience working with talented individuals who taught you more than all the money in the world could?
I know I have been successful with the films that I’ve made so far because I’ve learned. I’ve learned when I’ve been right and I’ve learned when I’ve been wrong. I’ve learned that what I really want to do is write. I’ve learned that I love working with amazingly talented openhearted actors who long to collaborate with a director.
Is this collaboration happening on every film set in the world? It’s doubtful. Does that mean that it will be easier for me to get a job directing because actors are dying to work with a collaborative director? It’s doubtful. I’m not necessarily meant to be part of the system that generates millions and wins Oscars right now. I’m still in the process of creating my art and fundamentally filmmaking is a business. Therefore, now might not be my time to have success in the industry. Is this the time for me to create and foster my art? Is this the time to explore and learn more about myself, and the human condition, playing by my own rules? Is this the time to share my writing with those who understand where I am at this point in my ‘career’? I would say yes. Yes, to them all.
Therefore again, we need to re-evaluate our understanding of success. Because right now, unless I never pick up a pen or my iBook again, I’m as successful as can be.
Thanks to a friend of mine for the inspiration for this blog post after a long time of having nothing to say. Your suffering helped in my process of creating and I hope I can return the favor! And of course also to the podcasts from Zencast.com who continue to help me deal with suffering on a daily basis. Namaste.
The answer is that right now I don’t know. Maybe some people out there have all the answers, but at this stage in my Buddhist practice it is important for me to be honest and tell you that I have no clue.
I struggle with this crisis everyday, especially when following my friends, colleagues and complete filmmaking strangers on social networking sites. While these online communicative tools allow me the chance to learn and explore more of the film world than I ever realized was out there, there is always that nagging voice at the back of my mind comparing me to those out there doing as I sit here being.
Fair enough, sometimes my being is an excuse for not doing due to fear of success or fear of failure. Never quite doing what it takes to achieve my goals and dreams does make it easier to justify any mental suffering I bring upon myself.
However, there is always that one day when I do decide to mail in my film to a festival, or open up Final Cut Express to finish a music performance I’ve been trying to edit for weeks, and that is what will separate me from the people who never realize their dreams. The key is to get back on the horse when you fall off. So much of filmmaking relies on tenacity. The successful people are successful because they never give up.
Our contemporary culture also doesn’t allow much room for failure. It’s the ultimate f-word in the filmmaking world. No one wants to know you unless you’re succeeding. However, to achieve great success there must also be an equal if not greater amount of failure in some part of life. That is the balance of the universe. It may not be apparent that the successful people in the film world have failed at some point (unless you can find comprehensive box office revenues online for prolific directors), but then who in our contemporary culture reveals their failures over celebrating their successes? Only the most humble of people, and that is rare to find.
I believe one answer to it all is to be joyful for the successes of those around you, because those successes prove that one day they could be your successes. Also, if you can celebrate others successes, hopefully it will leave less energy for comparison and self-flagellation!
Another way I look at it is that I see my insecurity about my level of success in the film-world as simply the universe’s way of reminding me not to give up. It’s that little voice inside of me that reminds me about the feature script I started but haven’t taken off the boil yet. It’s not that I haven’t succeeded, but that I haven’t given myself the opportunity to succeed because I haven’t given myself the opportunity to fail either.
I also haven’t always been willing to admit what my strengths are, and that as much as I’d like to ace every position in the credits of my film, I understand that I probably wouldn’t succeed doing that anyway. Collaboration is what keeps me alive and present and makes a success out of me.
One thing that also matters is that you do what you can. If that means you won’t be successful till you’re 65, then that’s what it means. Besides, it could be possible that we need to re-invent our idea of success. Does it mean that you win an Oscar? Or make millions selling your film? Or does it simply mean that you had a wonderful experience working with talented individuals who taught you more than all the money in the world could?
I know I have been successful with the films that I’ve made so far because I’ve learned. I’ve learned when I’ve been right and I’ve learned when I’ve been wrong. I’ve learned that what I really want to do is write. I’ve learned that I love working with amazingly talented openhearted actors who long to collaborate with a director.
Is this collaboration happening on every film set in the world? It’s doubtful. Does that mean that it will be easier for me to get a job directing because actors are dying to work with a collaborative director? It’s doubtful. I’m not necessarily meant to be part of the system that generates millions and wins Oscars right now. I’m still in the process of creating my art and fundamentally filmmaking is a business. Therefore, now might not be my time to have success in the industry. Is this the time for me to create and foster my art? Is this the time to explore and learn more about myself, and the human condition, playing by my own rules? Is this the time to share my writing with those who understand where I am at this point in my ‘career’? I would say yes. Yes, to them all.
Therefore again, we need to re-evaluate our understanding of success. Because right now, unless I never pick up a pen or my iBook again, I’m as successful as can be.
Thanks to a friend of mine for the inspiration for this blog post after a long time of having nothing to say. Your suffering helped in my process of creating and I hope I can return the favor! And of course also to the podcasts from Zencast.com who continue to help me deal with suffering on a daily basis. Namaste.
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