I believe there is a real dichotomy for filmmakers who are practicing Buddhism. How can we be in the moment, stay present and not get caught up in ‘where I want to be in 5 years’ or ‘they’re winning all those festival awards while my film sits on a shelf gathering dust’? How can we combine and marry the ability to be okay with wherever we are at the present moment and also simultaneously achieve success the way a filmmaker needs to, by creating and making and submitting and selling?
The answer is that right now I don’t know. Maybe some people out there have all the answers, but at this stage in my Buddhist practice it is important for me to be honest and tell you that I have no clue.
I struggle with this crisis everyday, especially when following my friends, colleagues and complete filmmaking strangers on social networking sites. While these online communicative tools allow me the chance to learn and explore more of the film world than I ever realized was out there, there is always that nagging voice at the back of my mind comparing me to those out there doing as I sit here being.
Fair enough, sometimes my being is an excuse for not doing due to fear of success or fear of failure. Never quite doing what it takes to achieve my goals and dreams does make it easier to justify any mental suffering I bring upon myself.
However, there is always that one day when I do decide to mail in my film to a festival, or open up Final Cut Express to finish a music performance I’ve been trying to edit for weeks, and that is what will separate me from the people who never realize their dreams. The key is to get back on the horse when you fall off. So much of filmmaking relies on tenacity. The successful people are successful because they never give up.
Our contemporary culture also doesn’t allow much room for failure. It’s the ultimate f-word in the filmmaking world. No one wants to know you unless you’re succeeding. However, to achieve great success there must also be an equal if not greater amount of failure in some part of life. That is the balance of the universe. It may not be apparent that the successful people in the film world have failed at some point (unless you can find comprehensive box office revenues online for prolific directors), but then who in our contemporary culture reveals their failures over celebrating their successes? Only the most humble of people, and that is rare to find.
I believe one answer to it all is to be joyful for the successes of those around you, because those successes prove that one day they could be your successes. Also, if you can celebrate others successes, hopefully it will leave less energy for comparison and self-flagellation!
Another way I look at it is that I see my insecurity about my level of success in the film-world as simply the universe’s way of reminding me not to give up. It’s that little voice inside of me that reminds me about the feature script I started but haven’t taken off the boil yet. It’s not that I haven’t succeeded, but that I haven’t given myself the opportunity to succeed because I haven’t given myself the opportunity to fail either.
I also haven’t always been willing to admit what my strengths are, and that as much as I’d like to ace every position in the credits of my film, I understand that I probably wouldn’t succeed doing that anyway. Collaboration is what keeps me alive and present and makes a success out of me.
One thing that also matters is that you do what you can. If that means you won’t be successful till you’re 65, then that’s what it means. Besides, it could be possible that we need to re-invent our idea of success. Does it mean that you win an Oscar? Or make millions selling your film? Or does it simply mean that you had a wonderful experience working with talented individuals who taught you more than all the money in the world could?
I know I have been successful with the films that I’ve made so far because I’ve learned. I’ve learned when I’ve been right and I’ve learned when I’ve been wrong. I’ve learned that what I really want to do is write. I’ve learned that I love working with amazingly talented openhearted actors who long to collaborate with a director.
Is this collaboration happening on every film set in the world? It’s doubtful. Does that mean that it will be easier for me to get a job directing because actors are dying to work with a collaborative director? It’s doubtful. I’m not necessarily meant to be part of the system that generates millions and wins Oscars right now. I’m still in the process of creating my art and fundamentally filmmaking is a business. Therefore, now might not be my time to have success in the industry. Is this the time for me to create and foster my art? Is this the time to explore and learn more about myself, and the human condition, playing by my own rules? Is this the time to share my writing with those who understand where I am at this point in my ‘career’? I would say yes. Yes, to them all.
Therefore again, we need to re-evaluate our understanding of success. Because right now, unless I never pick up a pen or my iBook again, I’m as successful as can be.
Thanks to a friend of mine for the inspiration for this blog post after a long time of having nothing to say. Your suffering helped in my process of creating and I hope I can return the favor! And of course also to the podcasts from Zencast.com who continue to help me deal with suffering on a daily basis. Namaste.
