Day 5 #trust30 - One Week Left to Live

Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.

Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?

(Author: Jonathan Mead)


I have to believe that if I had only 1 week to live I would still write. I would write out all the hopes, dreams, fears and joyful experiences I would have during that week.
I'd keep practicing Buddhism, although I think I would practice harder and more than I am now, which means I should be doing more now than I am!
I would keep practicing yoga.
I wouldn't go to work.
I would ask my family more questions.
I would listen to great music and sing at the top of my lungs to singers like Tori Amos and Ani Di Franco who speak to my soul.
I would sit and watch the birds hopping around, pecking in the garden.
I would watch every sunrise and sunset.
I would savor each flavor that touched my tongue and every sensation that touched my skin.
I would tell everyone I loved them.
I would contact old friends.
I would meditate.
I would send out loving kindness to myself and those I loved as well as those I have a harder time with.
i would speak kindly to others.
I would give away as much money as I could.
I would relish every in and out breath I had left in me.
I would close my eyes and feast on the sounds around me.
I would open my eyes and drink in all the colors and shapes I could see.
I would kiss and hug those people that would accept it and send kisses and hugs to those I couldn't be with.
I would write love letters to each person I loved telling them my favorite memory of them, all the things I love about them and any widsom I had to impart.
I wouldn't wear makeup.
I wouldn't worry about how my hair/ skin/ body looked. I wouldn't even think about my ever appearing wrinkles.

There's just so much I would do...

To do:
All that I am currently doing - yoga, meditation, singing, loving, holding, enjoying, giving, writing.

To stop:
Working as an ESL teacher
Focusing on the negative
Holding back in telling those that I love that I love them
Distancing myself from friends that I love
Holding onto grudges
Holding onto money
Holding onto my breath
Eating and start tasting
Hearing and start listening
Speaking and start conversing
Watching and start seeing
Hating and start loving
Worrying and start LIVING

All these things make me come alive and I'm lucky enough to have the wisdom to be striving for them.

How can my goals improve the present?
I can focus on what my goals are doing for me in the present moment:
Are they bringing me joy?
Are they keeping me honest?
Do they move me?
Do they create dialogue with others?
Are they sustainable?
Does the practice bring me happiness?
Am I better in this moment than I was in the moment before?
Is the practice more fulfilling than the result?
Am I alive when you practice these goals?
Do they connect me with my true self?
Do I feel lighter when doing them than when not doing them?

If I answer yes to all of these questions then I know that the present moment in the goal is more important to me than the future outcome and therefore worth pursuing because they are being done for the right reasons.

Namaste

#reverb 10 - December 30th

Last 48 hrs of Reverb10! :(

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?


The biggest gift I received this year was from myself.  I finally allowed and enabled myself to live more in the moment, which in turn meant I enjoyed life more on a moment to moment basis.  It's not that the circumstances of my life got better or that nothing bad happened this year, but more than I shifted my perspective and chose to stay present.  I was happier, didn't hate my job as much, and actually became a much nicer person.  
It's nice to finally give myself a break and appreciate that each moment is what I make it.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.
I recieved a few other gifts this year that are very memorable, but fortunately for me, those aren't for sharing ;)

#reverb 10 - December 24th

Prompt: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?


Every moment that I can stop, take a breath and become aware of all that is around me proves that everything is okay.  Everything in this moment is perfect.  Nothing in this moment is something that I can't handle, as long as I continue to stop, take a deep breath and focus on the moment.
I will incorporate this discovery by continuing to practice and by making sure I start meditating everyday, even if only for a few minutes before sleeping.

#reverb10 - December 18th

Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

This one's had me stumped for a while now.  Mostly because 2010 was a great year for me trying new things:

- working out regularly

- being more aware of the things I put in my mouth and the words that come out of it

- meditation (can't say I succeeded with this one)

- thinking more positively and in the present moment

- making writing a focus and necessity in my life even if it's only 750 words a day

Starting all these things has made my life so much more fulfilling and made me a much happier person.  It's amazing that we spend so much time avoiding doing the things we love and hating ourselves and our lives because of it!  Crazy!

There are a lot of things that I wanted to try in 2010 but due to present circumstances can't, such as:

- joining a local Buddhist sangha

- joining a yoga studio and practicing there a few times a week

- writing for online newspapers

- eating more vegetarian and organic food

- saying 'yes' to more social activities

- starting dance and voice classes

- continuing my studies of the Spanish language

Although I've done a lot this year, I wouldn't say I've reached my goals.  Therefore, 2011 is going to be about fulfilling these hopes and from the looks of it, it's going to be a great, balancing and exciting year full of more of the things that bring passion into my life than I've ever allowed myself to experience at before!

#reverb10 - December 16th

Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?


Many things have happened in the last year and a half that have prompted me to further consider how much I hold onto the past for happiness.  The past is past, however, so I should really only be expecting it to bring me wisdom (I would hope!).
This point was brought even further into perspective when my 'best friend ever' told me that she was going on a holiday that we had planned to do together, with her sisters and a friend of hers from back home.  I was devastated.  Truly devastated, especially because she told me only after I found out from reading her sisters' Facebook status.  
Being the friend that I knew her to be she asked me, well intentioned, if she should go.  Great!  I got to be the bad guy or the bad guy.  I was the bad guy for telling her I was upset that she was going on our holiday without me, or the bad guy for telling her she couldn't go.  I guess I could have lied, but we know each other so well that she would never have believed it!
I listened to hours upon hours of podcasts from Gil Frondstal to figure out how to be with what had happened. It helped of course, but I still had to decide how I was going to react.  In no way am I the perfect Buddhist practitioner!
My friend requested that I come on the holiday several times, out of guilt I'm sure, cause it's well know that I'm a teacher and I don't know any teachers who can simply jet off in the middle of a term for a spur of the moment vacation (that was the other thing that bugged me out...we were supposed to plan it together, but our vacation was hijacked and I knew that even if I went it wouldn't be the vacation we would have planned together anyway).
So, I wrote my friend an email (we live half way across the world from each other) telling her how upset I was about the fact that our vacation was not going to include me, but that I wasn't going to tell her she couldn't go. If she wanted to go without me then that was her choice.  I, of course, couldn't resist telling her that if she did go, I would never go on that vacation with her in the future.  It was mean-spirited of me and I'm sure she believes she will convince me to go with her in the future, but I'm a stubborn lady and my mind's made up.
It's not like this was any old vacation - it was a return to the 'homeland' of Malawi after leaving 15 years ago.  A return to a place that lives perfectly in our memories.  A return to the place that changed and bonded us forever in ways that other people we meet will never be able to understand us.  A return to the place that made us into Third Culture Kids.  We were to visit our old houses and travel around for a month visiting all the places we remembered, for we grew up there together - like sisters.
I can't say that my friend is no longer my friend.  That would be ridiculous.  But things have changed for me.  I still love her to death, but I realize that I have to start living my life more for me now than I ever have.  She's enjoying herself doing the things she wants to do, while I've been sitting at home hoping to plan vacations with 'the one person who gets me'.  Yet, this situation has proven to me that I think we've moved on from that.  She no longer gets me the way she used to.  I no longer get her.  If this was the case, she wouldn't have gone on vacation without me and I never would have had to give her my ultimatum.
It's sad, but true.  And it's also a relief in a way.  We have held on to so much responsibility for our friendship for so long now that when we have met up for a vacation together I haven't fully enjoyed it.  We're different people now.  We don't enjoy the same things that we used to.  
I wouldn't say we've grown apart, but friendships change.  It's just hard for us to accept that after not seeing each other for so long and wanting so much for everything to stay the same.
It reminds me of the film 'Beaches', one of my favorite girlie films.  I'm Bette Midler and my friend is Barbara Hershey (actually probably vice versa as well knowing those two in the film).  We just need to continue loving each other, but also allow each other to follow our own souls in the different directions they take us.  I've been holding on to expectations for too long and it has soured me.
I need to open up to new people and experiences.  My old friendship(s) should provide me with the wisdom that helps me to create solid and respectful friendships now and into the future, rather than cause me to close off from possibilities.
I've got to start seeing more in shades of gray rather than my normal black and white.  This doesn't mean I no longer have a best friend.  It just means that what 'best friend' means has changed for me, and it's possible that i will meet someone new (I have already) who becomes what 'best friend' used to mean to me.  It's a little like a death.  But hopefully that death will lead to re-growth and allow for new, more interesting experiences to grow again.  And hopefully it means I can like myself more than I have in the past because of the restrictions I'd placed on myself in order to be the 'best friend' I could be to my friend.  Doing that is not fair to me or my friend.
Hopefully, what I'll take from this situation is a way to be happy now, rather than waiting for circumstances or people to make happiness with later.  Hopefully it means we can be okay with the change in our relationship and take a breather from the pressure it is to stay the same person to somebody for your whole life, even though the only thing that stays the same in this life is the fact that everything changes.
Knowing my friend, she will understand and be thankful that I'm happy now, even if what's making me happy doesn't include her for a while.

#reverb10 - December 14th

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

The present moment is the one thing I've come to appreciate most this year.  It's inexplicable how much happiness you receive from simply accepting the present moment into your life.


I express gratitude for the present moment by taking each present moment I have the insight to notice and bask in it.  I also stay as present as possible for others whenever I am aware in the hopes that they will, in turn, live more fully in the present moment.


It's not an easy task, but not impossible either.  If you accept that it may take some time and plenty of practice, it's amazing how suddenly more and more present moments pop into your life that you can take full advantage of.  


The present moment is the only real moment we have in life, so use each moment wisely and with care to yourself and others.


If you haven't already - check out Eckhart Tolle's book 'The Power of Now' and start living in the moment right now! (this is what got me started and moving in the right direction)


Namaste

Why It’s Hard to Trust Our Instincts and How to Start

Why It’s Hard to Trust Our Instincts and How to Start

It's funny how Buddhism creeps into my life in ways that seem opportune and coincidental. Everything seems to be falling into place right now in ways I never believed would happen.

My trip to Savannah this summer almost didn't happen for personal reasons, but a little voice in the back of my head (and my mom) convinced me it was the right move to make so I jumped in with both feet and then the most amazing opportunities opened themselves up to me. All the experiences I had this summer enabled me to learn how much I've changed through my practice of Buddhism and strangely enough how my life is mirroring that of my latest script character to enter my mind. Everything I have dreamt up and wanted her to be is mirrored in the changes I have made for myself and the dreams I haven't dared to believe would come true until now. I didn't force the dreams either for myself or my character, they simply opened themselves up to us and we stepped inside rather than thinking and questioning, and all the usual things I do to rationalize the steps I take towards the future.

This leads me to conclude that Buddhism is opening itself up to me in similar ways. It's not that new ideas and concepts suddenly appear at the right time, but that when I finally take heed of certain ideas, they appear to me because I am ready to see them. I am ready to open myself up to them and accept them in order to move forward in my life and also with my writing. I am not a religious person in any way, but the more I practice (or do my best to try!) the more my life improves. I'm not saying that I don't suffer and that my life is perfect - right now it in no way is - but everything in my life is perfect in that this is where I am right now and that's what my focus should be in order to live a good life. As I accept the moment new opportunities appear - such as my plan to move back to Savannah - and problems I had with my characters and how their lives would unfold start to open up to me. This is where faith and intuition give me the motivation to keep on writing; not to give up. I have faith that although it may take time, the answers my characters pose will come to me, and that often in the moment if I don't have all the answers to my life's questions, how can I necessarily have answers to my character's lives' questions as well?

What I do know for sure is that I should keep writing. I feel it in my soul in the same way that I know I should move back to Savannah; in the same way I know I'm finally in love with a great man and that my life needs to move towards that now; in the same way that whatever happens will happen, but that I can do my best to make the choices I instinctually believe are the right way to go in the future while still doing my best to live in the moment.

Reading Joyce Carol Oates' 'The Faith of a Writer: Life, Craft, Art' is a great book to read if you're struggling with the writing process.